My days in Cork are dwindling as my flight home is booked and my final exams have arrived. When I think back on this wonderful semester, my mind cannot help but wander even farther to my freshman year and the emotional struggle that that time was.
Now this blog has been relatively lighthearted. But to truly understand the significance of my study abroad semester, you must understand where I was just over a year ago.
I was mad. Mad at myself mostly. Angry that college was not what I anticipated and that the movies had all been wrong. Mad that my teachers didn't know me or understand that I actually cared about what they were teaching and that a good grade without any learning was pointless to me. Mad that I still felt the insecurities leftover from high school. Mad that socially I wasn't thriving and that one of my best friends deserted me. Mad that I couldn't figure out my schedule and that I couldn't sleep at night. Mad that I went home just to see my parents and my dog and to retrieve mental clarity in preparation for the next weak week. Mad that I always was studying and still felt like I was drowning in school work. Mad that I didn't have a cohesive plan for my life when everyone was asking. Mad that I couldn't ever seem to be happy and as hard as I tried, mad that I wasn't better at faking it.
I had countdowns on my phone for every school break and worked towards them all. "2 more weeks," "One more week," wishing those days away. The first day of summer I cried in the backyard to my mother not understanding why this had happened to me and why I couldn't shake the sadness.
Yes I came to Ireland to understand my heritage. Yes I came to Ireland to see a new culture and learn more about myself. But most of all, I was seeking refuge here. I was glad to be a new me in a new place and see what I could do in that new situation.
Don't let this discount the wonderful people and friendships I fostered at KU. There were certain people who I met and continue to cherish to this day. But it was me, a battered me, who could not fully enjoy the times and memories of that year.
Ireland has come as a breath of fresh air after the most challenging time of my life. That madness has turned to pride in myself and pure joy.
I am proud that I planned two whole trips that are (so far) working out splendidly well. I am proud that I am having once-in-a-lifetime experiences at the age of 19. I am proud that I have extended myself to so many people and in such a short time have made so many friends. I am proud that I have traveled this much in 4.5 months and that I have no regrets about the way I have spent my time or my money. I don't have to force myself to be happy and act like I am having a good time - I just am. I don't have to act like a different person to feel like I fit in - I just do.
This has not been an absolutely perfect semester but man it has come very close! This country and these people have yanked me out of my sadness and given me a new confidence and new hope for the future. I am so very grateful for this experience and thank God for the guidance and opportunity.
And I have to say, I am so excited that next semester, after a short respite in KC, that I am coming back!
Yours,
The Opinionated Lassie
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